Diamonds and Fool’s Gold: A HEAL Microcosm

In the spring of 1986, during my sophomore year of high school, I wanted to invite a black boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. My father had a visceral and manipulative reaction to my desire. That was the day I learned, at fifteen years old, that skin color matters to some people. Though we were living in Indonesia and had lived in countries dominated by skin color other than white for ten years by then, I had no prior awareness.

I met my husband four years later in college. He is a white guy. We were together for almost 33 years until January 2022. After my divorce, I was in a relationship with another white man.

“I’m looking for a heart.”

Then, in the Spring of 2024, I began dating in search of a heart. That’s literally what I have been telling people: “I’m looking for a heart.” I’m trying to find the man with whom I will experience real love—healthy love, as it’s meant to be shared between two people.

I’m looking for a heart because I have no idea what the physical characteristics of the man will be. Nor do I care. I’ve never been attracted to a “type” based on the physical form.

Yet, they’ve all been white men. They’ve all taught me something. But just as soon as my lesson was complete, they were gone.

One appeared in my life as I kept saying to God, the Universe, my family, and friends, really anyone who would listen, “Show me something different!” I learned a lot from him, including what different began to look like. He’s the first man I’ve known who was confident enough in himself not to need to compete with me. Even when I opened the door one day wide enough for him to drive a Mack truck through it. I took notice because it was so different!

A couple of months ago, a series of inputs, including spiritual advisors prompting me to manifest who I am looking for by writing down “what he looks like,” resulted in me having an affirmative list of qualities and characteristics I am looking for. Nothing about his physical being is on my list.

I see color!!

Around the same time, I experienced another profound Universe touch, many of which I have been blessed to receive on my healing journey. This is when I literally feel the hand of God touch me, letting me know that I am on the right path and will be okay. These are always profound learnings. This time, it felt like an electric shock and a new level of awareness that has changed how I look at the world. I see color!!

It began with my “show me something different” teacher. Over lunch one day, as I confided in him as to why I was having so much trouble finding my person, he said to me, “We still live in a mostly patriarchal society, and the patriarchy cannot control you.” Now, given what has occurred recently, I’ve had the epiphany that in my world, the “patriarchy” he’s referring to is primarily white men. That doesn’t bode well for me.

Shortly after that, I had an Astro cartography reading with a Hindu Vedic Astrologer, Vishak. He told me something important and relevant to this story. He told me my person may be a man with dark skin or someone of a different culture.

Very recently, I decided to go back on a dating app. Because I have a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with all of them, I had been off for a couple of months. The next day, I got a message from “John,” who wanted to meet over coffee. His profile has no accurate information, and the image is of someone in the air, cross-jumping on skis, a picture taken from the back. Him? A woman? It could have been Yoda. Nothing gave me his skin color.

In our exchange, as I’m trying to gather some information to decide whether I should meet him, he tells me he is a tall black man. “Interesting,” I say to myself, passing by the comment with no more thought.

Before I decided to meet John, my intended Sadie Hawkins date entered my mind. I texted him about my high school crush and what happened over the Sadie Hawkins invite. I also told him I was considering going on a date with a black man. I got a big red heart emoji as a response. A positive confirmation that I should.

I met John for coffee a couple of days later. (Before you get excited for me… he’s gone, too…)

Thinking about my high school crush and meeting John, I wondered why I had never dated a man who wasn’t white. At first, that thought was deeply troubling. “Do I carry conscious bias, or worse, racism, that I’m not aware of?” That thought was horrifying.

Unconscious blocking

Then I realized that all those years ago, I unconsciously blocked the possibility of dating anyone who wasn’t white because of my dad’s visceral reaction when I was in high school. I blocked that possibility because two people got hurt by my actions: me and my intended date. I was made to feel as though I had done something unacceptable and immoral. Sinful. I never again wanted to experience that reaction from my father, which was a typical behavior of mine in response to other of my father’s past reactions. Danger! Avoid at all costs!

Despite the interest shown by men of color in me as I’ve been dating, I hadn’t entertained the idea before John. I now realize that I always thought about my dad’s reaction and moved on, not wanting to deal with him on this topic.

I would have passed John by, too, had his profile had an actual photo of him.

I had a tarot card reading the night before I met John. The last card revealed to me had the image of a dark man behind bars. The reader told me I had a barrier or blockage to move past to advance toward my person.

I was exasperated at this message because I had done SO MUCH work to heal and prepare for whoever is coming into my life. For example, I’ve learned to reign in my caregiving before I get taken advantage of as a rescuer. And I’ve learned to open my heart and receive the love my person will give me. What else could there possibly be for me to “unblock”?

Unblocking awakening

And then the Universe touched me. I realized I had been excluding about 75% of the world’s population of possible candidates for me just because of an unconscious bias that began all those years ago with the Sadie Hawkins dance. Since then, I have literally seen the world in a new way, and many, many more men have the possibility of being the person I am looking for. My unconscious bias may have prevented me from ever finding him.

As if I needed confirmation of my awakening, the day it occurred, the Co-Star app messaged me: “The only real difference in value between diamonds and fool’s gold is the market.”

This story’s HEAL microcosm

Surrendering to being single for the rest of my life necessarily dampened my hope, but now I have renewed hope of finding the man I am searching for. After self-discovery work, I’ve evolved past my unconscious bias to understand its source. And, this whole story is about my ongoing exploration to get this source of love right.