As survivors of trauma and abuse, our lives are reflected in how we respond to our experiences. When we react negatively, we often rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms that don’t serve us. If we respond more positively, we’re likely using better coping skills and tools. This distinction marks the difference between unhealthy survivorship and empowered healing.
Today, I want to share my personal experience with unhealthy survivorship – the negative ways I coped with events that harmed me – and how recognizing these patterns became the first step in my healing journey.
What Is Unhealthy Survivorship?
Unhealthy survivorship develops on the flip side of the same coin where we survive our trauma and abuse. While trauma differs for everyone, living encumbered by unhealthy survivorship is something many of us have in common.
In my own life, unhealthy survivorship manifested in various ways:
- Building walls to protect myself from further harm
- Emotional numbness and disconnection
- Isolation from supportive relationships
- Substance abuse in my younger years
- Self-abandonment
These coping mechanisms may have helped me survive initially, but they ultimately prolonged my suffering and prevented genuine healing.
The Wall That Protected Me (And Imprisoned Me)
I lived far too many years behind a wall I built to protect myself from trauma and abuse. Some people who hurt me should have protected me, but they didn’t. Others represented passing relationships with those who never cared about my well-being.
By the time I discovered this wall through hypnotherapy, it was 45 years tall and 45 years thick. Trapped behind it, I was alone and lonely, isolated from the very people who could have nourished me and helped me heal.
“I lived far too many years behind the wall I had built to protect myself from the trauma and abuse others inflicted on me. Some of those people who hurt me should have protected me, but they didn’t. Others represented passing relationships with those who never cared about my well-being.”
My wall grew event by event, year by year, as I experienced both macro traumas (major life events) and microtraumas (daily painful interactions). The wall served its purpose – it protected me – but it also prevented me from experiencing genuine connection and joy.
Recognizing the Signs of Unhealthy Survivorship
Dissociation and Memory Loss
Five years old is very young to experience sexual abuse. I remember the first incident vividly, but what followed is largely blank. I suffer from dissociation – a psychological defense mechanism where my brain disconnected from traumatic experiences.
This manifested as:
- Missing childhood memories
- Fuzzy recollections of milestone events
- Inability to remember important conversations
- Feeling disconnected from my own life experiences
For years, I was desperately curious about why I didn’t have memories like other people. I would query others to understand how their memories worked. Learning about dissociation as a trauma response was one of my first healing breakthroughs.
Substance Abuse
My alcohol and drug abuse began in high school and gradually worsened through my early adult years. Initially, it was about fitting in, but as my trauma piled on, it became a coping mechanism, about escaping, and trying to feel something while simultaneously numbing the pain.
Thankfully, I was able to walk away from substance abuse before it completely derailed my life, but it remained a potential problem during difficult times.
Emotional Numbness
Over the years behind my wall, I became mostly emotionless. My mother recently told me that when she looks back at pictures of me as a child, she noticed I almost never smiled. I had already withdrawn inside myself by that young age.
As an adult in my thirties and early forties, I experienced periods of unexplained deep sadness, triggered by seemingly innocuous things like TV scenes depicting loving relationships. Later, as my wall grew, my emotions mostly quit flowing except for occasional outbursts of anger.
Self-Isolation and Losing My Identity
I gave up everything about myself except for the tiniest bit that God let me hold onto. Relationships with family and friends who could have supported me were abandoned. I even gave up simple pleasures like listening to music or engaging in creative activities I loved.
My professional career became my mask – something I excelled at but didn’t truly fulfill me. I was perpetually busy, rushing from one task to the next without pause for self-reflection or genuine connection.
The Turning Point
The hypnotherapy session that sparked my awareness of my wall became the catalyst for my healing journey. When I walked into that room, I had no idea I was about to confront decades of suppressed trauma. The person who walked in died in that room, and I walked out – awake, aware, and ready to begin the difficult work of healing.
This awareness didn’t make healing easy, but it made it possible. I could finally see what needed to be addressed.
Embracing Healthy Survivorship (healing from Unhealthy Survivorship)
Healing from unhealthy survivorship isn’t about forgetting what happened. It’s about changing how we respond to it and learning to thrive despite our experiences.
For me, healthy survivorship means:
- Acknowledging my truths – both the painful experiences and how I responded to them
- Understanding my emotional needs and learning to fulfill them
- Reconnecting with my authentic self – rediscovering what brings me joy
- Building genuine relationships based on vulnerability and trust
- Using my experiences to help others on their healing journeys
Today, I no longer carry shame that doesn’t belong to me. I recognize that in the moments others harmed me, I was the victim – they were the perpetrators. The shame belongs to them, not me.
Your Healing Journey
If you recognize patterns of unhealthy survivorship in your own life, know that healing is possible. It won’t be easy – in fact, it may be the hardest thing you ever do – but it’s absolutely worth it.
Start by acknowledging your truth. Notice the ways you might be protecting yourself that no longer serve you. Be gentle with yourself in this process – these coping mechanisms helped you survive.
Remember that trauma knows no demographic boundaries. It doesn’t care about your age, gender, race, religion, or socioeconomic status. The only way to protect yourself from unhealthy survivorship and end your suffering is to heal.
As a survivor who has walked this path, I believe in your capacity to heal. You deserve to live a life unburdened by your past – a life full of genuine connection, joy, and purpose.
Are you ready to begin your healing journey? Visit the resources page for support and guidance. If you’re interested in learning more about my personal journey, check out my book “Becoming an Empowered Survivor.”
Until next time, keep healing.